Well, I am definitely one grateful person. I had the most wonderful summer, anyone could have ever asked for, and it's upsetting to know that it is over, that I'll have to wait another year to see everyone again. There was one point where I was desperate to update my eljay, but I managed to find someone else to talk to instead, which I'm rather glad about. I've realised that, although eljay is a wonderful thing, life is more valuable and important. No, I'm not going to leave, but I think that I'm going to spend less time here. I'll take a break from making icons, and focus more on my entries, and my friends, yes you who are reading this right now.
I have changed.
I spent over a month away from home, in Scotland, and learned to love being bothered to do things. Like doing my own washing and drying, making my bed, putting my clothes away, keeping things clean and tidy. Helping. Doing some washing up. I'm going to try and make homework a priority, I now even do a fitness routine every night, every morning I wash my face and moisturise, I try to have a shower every other day. But what is the main reason I am so different?
I met someone.
He is perfect in my eyes. I love everything about him. The only problem is, is that he can't understand/speak English very well. So I am learning Hebrew. Isn't it ironic how the first guy I ever really like finds it difficult to communicate with me. And I wanted, terribly, to tell him how I felt and at times I was so close that it was humiliating, but I just couldn't do it. Who could have thought it would be so hard to say a simple sentence? I really like you. There. This is so depressing. I even convinced myself that I wouldn't let him leave without my telling him, and what did I do? Ugh. I'm such an idiot. I only had a few times alone with him, and I didn't want to tell him in fear that the rest of the time with him would be really awkward. (Our group of friends were stuck together for around 2 weeks 24/7.) And when he was leaving, I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin saying goodbye. When the hell did it all get so complicated over something so simple? I always imagined that it would be the guy who liked me, and he was the one who acted and I would follow and live in heaven happily ever after. *cough* I'm ridiculous. Oh his hands. His face, his smile, his laugh, his expressions... There's literally nothing that he can't do. He plays the guitar fantastically, he beatboxes, he can do the moonwalk/robot dance, he plays football and basketball and takes my breath away. His hair is beautiful and his eyes are stunning. Where on earth did he come from? Those few sacred times when he had a deep conversation with me, which he started, blew me away. His passion for music is outstanding, and his ingenuity is mesmerizing. I never thought there could be an actual person out there who could do all these things and more, I thought my expectations were too high, there'd never be anything that good as I'd imaged but he just blew all that out of proportion. You can probably tell that I'm going to ramble on forever, so I'll stop now.
And he's my age. He has the most amazing body. Ok, I'm stopping now, I promise. Not just for you but for myself, I'll end up getting hysterical or something. I could be with him forever and ever and ever. I need to see him again. But I can't. And I need to tell him or I might explode. I could tell him on msn, ugh, that's the most horrible thing I ever heard. I'll write to him. But what if it ruins our friendship? Then it wouldn't be worth having him as my friend. If he is who I think he is, he'd understand and he'd be nice to me and say that it's not to be. It was agony not knowing how he felt about me. Just if I could know if he had any tiny incy wincy feelings for me. For crying out loud, he must know, I started the sentence more than once and I was always taking photos of him, and everyone else kept abandoning me with him so we'd be alone. I was being myself because I don't know how to be anyone else. This is so embarrassing.
I'm learning Hebrew for you, and I'm doing the fitness routine for you, and I'm thinking always of you. Wouldn't you be so freaked out if you found out that some person is so obsessed over you? I wouldn't, but I'm just weird. It would be really cool actually. I'm going to wait until my first kiss will be with him, or someone else like him or better, if there could be such a thing.